Meredith hears the next topic of her women’s Bible study and inwardly shudders.
The Proverbs 31 woman.
She imagines the other women spouting off how early they get up, listing all the ministry and volunteering they do, their latest Pinterest-worthy craft they made with their kids.
She pictures them all turning to her, eyes expectant as they wait for her to pipe up.
But her voice locks in her throat and she can’t meet their eyes.
It took everything she had just to show up today. Her house is a mess, she doesn’t know what to make for supper, her husband comes home to a symphony of chaos, overwhelm, and stress.
Meredith wonders if she should save herself the trouble and avoid the study altogether.
She’s a Proverbs 31 failure.
Be honest.
Have you ever had a little resentment or hopelessness over the Proverbs 31 expectations?
Especially if you suffer from chronic illness or pain, mom burnout, trauma, or are stretched too thin……you might think there’s no way you can pull it off.
But the truth is anyone, in any situation, can be a Proverbs 31 woman.
The secret is not in interpreting Proverbs 31 in a spirit of doing, but in loving in 5 key areas.
So, yes, there are simple ways – even you- can apply the heart of the message when you’re living in a difficult season.
Is the Proverbs 31 a workaholic or does God really expect me to do all that?
It can be really easy to get caught up in the many, many daily tasks of this woman.
This is a dangerous lens for those who physically can’t do more in this season.
Overwhelmed by the false interpretation of what it means to be a success in the eyes of the church (or even God), some women are tempted to condemn themselves and distance themselves spiritually from a Father they believe is disappointed in them.
Can I share a funny story to illustrate?
A couple of weeks after my brother was born, my parents were so excited to take him to church and introduce him to the community. They packed the bag, the diapers, the blankets, the extra clothes, the soother, the camera…everything possible they thought they’d need.
When they pulled up to the church, they carefully placed the baby in the car seat on their car roof and loaded their arms up with everything. They settled into the pew, smiling proudly, surrounded by all the baby things when a parishioner tapped them on the shoulder to whisper – “your baby’s still outside on the car roof!”.
Oops. It’s a hilarious story (to the older sister, anyway), but it also shows how, when we focus on All.The.Work the woman of noble character does…
…we can miss the heart of her actions, the reason driving her to groggily get up out of bed, stumble to her era’s version of a coffeemaker, and begin a long day of service.
This woman is not a workaholic, she has tenacious love for those she’s serving.
how to love as a (sick & tired) proverbs 31 woman
On a personal note, I’m slowly healing from a 4 year season of chronic fatigue, come-and-go unexplained paralysis, and daily headaches/migraines that lasted 6 brutal months (read more here).
I’ve lived through the disappointment that I couldn’t give my family more, the guilt that I was the one who needed help.
I didn’t realize at the time that I was still able to live the Proverbs 31 virtues, despite my physical weakness.
There are 5 key relationships we’re called to nurture in any season: our spouse, children, our selves, neighbours (without over-committing and overburdening ourselves and our family), and the overarching call to love God.
Relationship with husband
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
~Proverbs 31: 11-12
When my husband and I said our wedding vows, we didn’t realize what loving in times of sickness would look like. The hard truth is that a marriage can be strained in a difficult season. There were long stretches where I couldn’t give back and that brought up old wounds for both of us.
So what can you as a Proverbs 31 wife still give that’s of value when you’re in a season of need, of receiving?
- Ask your husband about his day before giving the List of what needs to be done
- Refrain from complaining about him on social media
- Pray God draws your husband closer to His heart as he’s called to serve you
- Ask forgiveness for any bitterness, resentment or anger
- Sit with Him and let Him gently reveal any brokenness or past wounds that need to be healed
If your marriage is shaken, the best way to bring good is to humbly pray for God’s direction at this time for your hearts.
Relationship with children
She provides food for her family…out of her earnings she plants a vineyard…she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household…
~ Proverbs 31: 15-16, 26-27
Caring for kids is a joy but can be a loving sacrifice when your heart is heavy, your back and feet are sore, and your head is pounding, isn’t it?
I wanted to nourish my kids’ bodies with good, healthy food, but generally, that takes a lot of time and energy so I had to find solutions that would work with our situation.
One lasting timesaver to try, I “planted a vineyard” by slowly inviting my kids in the kitchen to learn how to cook and help in the kitchen.
It can feel like making fast and easy meals means you’re taking shortcuts in caring for your family… and asking your kids to help with meals is asking more of them than you should.
The truth?
You’re not a bad mom to ask for help from your family. Teaching each child that they have something to give to the family plants seeds of compassion and generosity.
What are some other seeds you can plant?
- Speak with wisdom as you share your journey through this crisis (make sure this is in a teaching spirit and doesn’t overburden your kids)
- Faithfully instruct your children healthy coping methods for when you’re sad or frustrated about your weakness…how to trust God and pray throught difficulties
- Watch over your home’s affairs by checking in with your kids’ emotions as well, no matter how hard it might be to hear
My health crisis affected my kids and there are lingering effects of trauma from it.
Be sensitive to this and continue to invite them into deep conversations about how they’re doing.
Relationship with self
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks…she is clothed in fine linen and purple…strength and dignity.
~Proverbs 31: 17, 22
This woman is able to express her love so freely because she is confident in her worth. Her identity and value come from God, not from her own abilities and accomplishments.
When I had to quit ministry because of my health, I was devastated. Eventually, I had to stop going to family events and having friends over. I couldn’t even pray the same way or very much at all and I thought that made me a bad Christian.
It was a sorrow, but it opened my eyes to see how much of my self-made identity was rooted in what I could bring to others.
Likewise, you too are loved in your tiredness and weakness and when you can’t do one more thing.
Now, in that light, you’re called – especially in this time of personal need – to care for yourself:
- Rest when you need it, not when you feel you’ve earned it
- Lay firm boundaries with people who minimize your crisis
- Don’t be afraid to cancel events, reschedule or say no to big commitments for your sake and the sake of your family
- Her arms are strong: care for your physical self (stretches, drink water, daily hygiene, eat healthy food regularly)
- Clothe yourself in fine linen and purple (2 “silly” things I started to do each day – that suprisingly had a big impact on my day – was to buy an outfit guide/capsule wardrobe and do a daily 5-minute makeup routine to feel put together)
Clothe yourself with God’s strength and the dignity He gives you as His daughter. Your worth comes from God and cannot diminish with sickness or other hardships.
Relationship with others
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
~Proverbs 31: 20
Even if you’re not called to a season of ministry or volunteering right now, you can still share God’s love with those you encounter:
- Send cards to friends and family saying you’re thinking of them
- Offer your sufferings for specific prayer intentions, like in a spiritual bouquet
- If you’re not able to make meals for someone in need, send a gift card instead
- Use patient and respectful words on social media, even when you’ve been hurt or disagree with an opinion
- Thank those who have helped you, forgive those who have hurt or haven’t helped you
This is generally a season of surrender, of holy emptiness and being open-handed to God and others. This is a beautiful opportunity to grow in humility, patience, and hope.
So don’t turn inward in your suffering.
Seasons like this also call for little ways to serve our neighbour, to share that hope we have with others.
Relationship with God
She looks to the future with joy. A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised
~Proverbs 31: 25, 30
This last verse is almost hidden in the midst of the chapter but is the secret sauce that binds it together.
This is a woman who loves God with all her heart, mind, and strength – and it overflows to everyone around her.
This grace-filled love inspires her to rise in the dark of night, symbolic of the dark valley you’re in now.
It keeps her heart soft despite tiredness, illness, frustration, a body in pain.
What is the most important thing to do in this season? Cling to God like your life, your family’s life depends on it:
- Pray (in heartfelt, creative ways)
- Read Scripture
- Journal what your heart is going through
- Listen to uplifting music
- Study beautiful artwork
- Let Him guide you in your inner healing journey
- Adore Him in nature
- Share in His Passion (pray a Way of the Cross devotion for those with chronic illness).
God has plans for your good and you are not meant to stay in this season forever.
Instead of clinging to sadness, regret or resentment, embrace opportunities to love deeply, possibly like never before.
This can be a time of spiritual transformation if you trust God to lead you through this valley into a joyful future.
read more:
- 5 Tired Mom Sins (and how to rectify them)
- Stuck in survival mode? Try this weekly routine to refresh your energy..
- The Wilted Mom’s Guide to easy cooking and cleaning
